The Man I Want To Be – Part 1


Welcome to the beginning of my first attempt at doing a multi-part story. Every day this week (Monday – Saturday) I’ll be putting up another part of the story (along with a suggested piece of accompanying music) for you to enjoy. It’s a tale of psychological division, inner turmoil and a worst case scenario perspective of what can happen if you bottle things up inside.

The Man I Want To Be – Part 1

Suggested listening: The XX – Crystalised

There’s the man I am and there’s the man I want to be and the distance between the two seems inconquerable. So I took all the things I hated about myself, all the ugly bits, the words I wish I’d never said, the things that I’ll never tell another soul that I’ve done – I took them all, put them in a box and pushed it all to the bottom of my soul. Without all those flaws and blemishes I thought I could just concentrate on being a better man. Flawless. Perfect.

But down in the shadows, out of the sight and out of mind, the man I didn’t want to be continued to fester and evolve. He grew hungry and restless. I don’t know where the name Hector No Holds came from. He probably chose it himself.

Gradually, while my attention was diverted, Hector started to sneak out and do things. At first I didn’t notice these little excursions, or rather I didn’t want to. Large wads of cash would turn up in my wallet or trouser pockets – tatty, creased notes. Sites I didn’t recognise would occasionally flash up in the autosuggest bar of my web browser. One afternoon I went to put on a load of washing and shoving my hand into the machine screamed out loud as I felt something cold and wet and furry in amongst the socks and pants. It was a tabby cat, drowned and bashed by the extra long spin cycle. Poor thing must have crept in and gotten the door closed on it by mistake. That’s what I told myself as I quietly deposited it into the wheelie bin, quickly placing more bags on top of it.

It had been a Thursday of all days, the day I woke up woozy and oblivious to where the past twelve hours of my life had gone. Uncharacteristically I found myself naked beneath the covers. Naked with the exception of the condom smeared lightly with blood. In my living room a pretty blonde girl was crying. She wore trendy clothes, bangles and high heels – what was a girl like that doing in my living room at all let alone holding her head in her hands and sobbing?

“Go fist yourself you prick!” she erupted, noticing my figure framed in the doorway. Before I could even string together which question to ask first she was up and out of there, the front door slamming behind her.

Feeling like I was being suddenly starved of oxygen I fled to the bathroom and dry heaved a little. When I looked up at the chipped mirror hanging above the sink I didn’t see the flushed, wide-eyed reflection I had expected but a confident, grinning version of my own face. He clicked his fingers into a mock gun and winked at me.

Part 2 is available here.

Title image courtesy ace_0f_magic

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Published in: on July 19, 2010 at 10:55 PM  Comments (6)  
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6 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Great start! I shall be tuning in for the rest. I particularly liked the details of the cat in the washer, the unknown webpages, all those things hinting that something sinister is going on with Hector.

  2. You have me hooked! I’ll be back tomorrow for more.

  3. Glad you’re both enjoying it so far! The following parts will be a bit longer.

  4. That’s a terrifying premise… but very similar to both Jekyll & Hyde and Fight Club… I’ll be interested to see where you go with it.

    • Hi Stephen – yeah I can’t deny the similarities to Fight Club and… Jekyll & Hyde… you might notice a nod to that in the character names. Hopefully as the other parts come along it’ll prove itself to be it’s own sort of monster though!

      • Ah yeah, J & H… I didn’t notice until you pointed it out. Clever.


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